Stay, stay home, my heart, and rest;
Home-keeping hearts are happiest.
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
A few days before Christmas I was asked when I was going to post again to my blog. The question reminded me that my school year goal was to blog at least once a month, and a new month was just around the corner. It didn’t take long for an idea to pop into my mind. It was a blog filled with reflections of the gifts that my life has given me. It had anecdotes about my children, memories of favorite childhood gifts, and ponderings on those unexpected presents. It was a blog filled with Christmas spirit.
I should have sat right down then and there and created my masterpiece; but I didn’t. And now it is New Year’s Eve – my Christmas spirit is all wiped out. Four back-to-back Christmas celebrations, three families, and too many toys to count have sucked any spirit I had left in me. Instead, an unstable, unbalanced, chaotic, discontent spirit is all that remains of me.
I think this happens every year. All the excitement of finding the right gifts, scheduling time with friends & family – go, go, go & busy, busy, busy - suck the last few ounces of energy out of me. I don’t mean for it to happen, but I end up forgetting about me. Not the me who wants everything, not the me that spins around looking for “it” - the quiet peaceful me. The me that meanders through the garden of my soul. The me that affirms who I am. The me that is content to create, to play, to be still. That’s the one I forget.
Mike and I have very different approaches to “after Christmas.” Mike takes a nice deep exhale and plops down on the floor. He spends hours building and playing. He wears his new Christmas pajamas all day. He shaves every other day. He’s happy.
Me – not so much. I begin to fill my mind with “should” & “need.” I should be…. I really need…. We should…. We need to…. Ugh! So instead of enjoying the afternoon nap, or the new movie, I’m spinning around ruminating on how I should be living my life & fretting about all that I have not accomplished. Not enjoying the moment, but trying to figure out my life.
It’s only taken me five days to slow myself down enough to realize that running from rest is driving me CRAZY! I’m choosing to stop fighting rest, I’m embracing it. I’m sitting at Einstein Bros. Bagels, headphones on, sunbeams warming my hands, fresh bagel & diet coke, groups of people chatting around me – reading and writing. Bliss!
Instead of spinning, I am resting. I am taking this moment to remind myself of who I am. I’m not searching in the faces of others to tell me, I am letting this moment be about the quietness of my soul. A beautiful soul, one that is filled with gifts; some of which were given by others, some by life – all to be cherished.
On this last day of 2011, I choose to exhale. A deep, long, restful exhale. That is my gift to myself today – to stay home within my own heart.
Happy New Year!
You ARE a beautiful soul and you deserve to enjoy the quiet company of yourself!
ReplyDeleteI have also struggled with "should" and "need" - on vacation and even in the evening during the work week. "Should" is such an ugly word most of the time, isn't it? This week, though, I let that go. Cathy asked me what I did this week...I couldn't really answer that, and that was cool. :)
All the very best to you and your family in the new year, friend!
didn't even know you had a blog, natalie! it's beautiful; this post is beautiful. i so get where you are coming from, the spinning, spinning, spinning. i do it often. i love thinking of you at einstein's (a bagel and diet coke? yum!), and your words and heart make me miss being around you.
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