Happy Restful Hearts

Stay, stay home, my heart, and rest;

Home-keeping hearts are happiest.

        -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

A few days before Christmas I was asked when I was going to post again to my blog. The question reminded me that my school year goal was to blog at least once a month, and a new month was just around the corner. It didn’t take long for an idea to pop into my mind. It was a blog filled with reflections of the gifts that my life has given me. It had anecdotes about my children, memories of favorite childhood gifts, and ponderings on those unexpected presents. It was a blog filled with Christmas spirit.

I should have sat right down then and there and created my masterpiece; but I didn’t. And now it is New Year’s Eve – my Christmas spirit is all wiped out. Four back-to-back Christmas celebrations, three families, and too many toys to count have sucked any spirit I had left in me. Instead, an unstable, unbalanced, chaotic, discontent spirit is all that remains of me.

I think this happens every year. All the excitement of finding the right gifts, scheduling time with friends & family – go, go, go & busy, busy, busy - suck the last few ounces of energy out of me. I don’t mean for it to happen, but I end up forgetting about me. Not the me who wants everything, not the me that spins around looking for “it” - the quiet peaceful me. The me that meanders through the garden of my soul. The me that affirms who I am. The me that is content to create, to play, to be still. That’s the one I forget.

Mike and I have very different approaches to “after Christmas.” Mike takes a nice deep exhale and plops down on the floor. He spends hours building and playing. He wears his new Christmas pajamas all day. He shaves every other day. He’s happy.

Me – not so much. I begin to fill my mind with “should” & “need.” I should be…. I really need…. We should…. We need to…. Ugh! So instead of enjoying the afternoon nap, or the new movie, I’m spinning around ruminating on how I should be living my life & fretting about all that I have not accomplished. Not enjoying the moment, but trying to figure out my life.

It’s only taken me five days to slow myself down enough to realize that running from rest is driving me CRAZY! I’m choosing to stop fighting rest, I’m embracing it. I’m sitting at Einstein Bros. Bagels, headphones on, sunbeams warming my hands, fresh bagel & diet coke, groups of people chatting around me – reading and writing. Bliss!

Instead of spinning, I am resting. I am taking this moment to remind myself of who I am. I’m not searching in the faces of others to tell me, I am letting this moment be about the quietness of my soul. A beautiful soul, one that is filled with gifts; some of which were given by others, some by life – all to be cherished.

On this last day of 2011, I choose to exhale. A deep, long, restful exhale. That is my gift to myself today – to stay home within my own heart.

Happy New Year!

Collage of Significance

It is an illusion that writers live more significant lives than non-writers; the truth is, writers are just more in the habit of finding the significance that is there in their lives.

-Vicki Vinton

A couple of years ago I took some painting lessons from an artist friend and each time I went to her studio I fantasized about becoming a professional artist. Watching her effortlessly mix her colors and create beauty out of a blank canvas was magical. Every day she packed up her dogs, and traveled a few short blocks to her cozy little studio, where she would find significance in the insignificant. When I read a memoir or personal essay, some part of me longs to live such a significant life –one that is interesting, humorous, adventurous, reflective, transformational… And then I lift my head and feel disappointed at the ordinary life that I live. A life filled with mundane realities – bills, laundry, dishes, early mornings and early nights.

During Thanksgiving break, I had time and space to watch and see the significance in my life. My spirit took each event in and created a masterpiece of beauty out of my ordinary life.

Pet Rocks and Pumpkin Books

Under my boys’ bunk beds is a clear tub filled with art supplies; paintbrushes, empty paper towel tubes, stickers, coloring books… Early Saturday morning, we emptied most of the tub onto our dining room table, transforming our eating space into creation station. Each of us picked through the pile looking for our own inspiration for brilliance. Zak quickly began elaborately designing a house for his latest pet rock. Greyden designed detailed books about adventurous pumpkin ninjas. For me, it was a magazine collage that would reflect my delight in the moment, as well as my hopes for my week of freedom. We glued scraps, tore magazines, and painted shoe boxes. We rejoiced in each other’s creations. It was pure.

Kitchen Floor

Here is a major difference between Mike and I – he is a night owl and I am an early bird. Not always a good mix. Take these extremes and mix in a little morning stress and you have yourself “the perfect storm.” The day before Thanksgiving, I woke feeling stressed and had begun to create a mental “to do” list even before my head left my comfy pillow. I took my anxiety ridden self to the kitchen to prepare our family breakfast. When Mike emerged from the bedroom I started badgering him with questions, and his response to being pestered was to bury himself deeply within the newspaper. Not a pleasant beginning of the day for either of us. Somehow we were able to push past this very unpleasant routine, and found ourselves plunked down in the middle of the kitchen floor. We were honest and authentic. We laughed, I cried. It was intimate.

Crate&Barrel

Black Friday strikes terror in most people’s hearts. Venturing out at midnight to find the deals strikes terror in my heart. However, an afternoon with my sister, Jessica, without our four boys is true bliss. Our day had a simple pattern – eat a little, talk a lot, shop a little, eat a little, talk a lot, and then talk some more. Crate&Barrel was our final stop of the day. After meandering through the festive dishes we found an inviting little living room. Surrounded by bedroom sets, dining room tables, and delicious colors and textures – we began to discuss important things like design. It was a day of layers. Little by little we worked our way through our lives. We laughed. We enjoyed. We dreamed. It was friendship.